This topic is a touchy one to write about because people often have fairly strong opinions on pornography. Before we get started I just want to say I am not here to argue one way or another but rather to start the conversation that many of us are afraid to engage in. It is undeniable that the direct availability of pornography on the internet is having an impact on our attitudes towards sex and therefore an impact on relationships. The reason i see this having a significant impact on relationships is not necessarily because of porn itself but rather the lack of open discussion around the role pornography does, or doesn’t play in your lives as individuals and as a couple.
As with all things, you will find people who love porn, people who hate it and those who are indifferent. The biggest issue with porn is not that it exists but rather the misuse and the secrecy that surround it. Clinton Power, an australian relationship counsellor recently wrote about this and what he had to say was pretty bang on.
“It’s clear that sex that’s portrayed in porn resembles very little of the type of sex people have in the real world.Some of the concerns that I have about porn is it can create unrealistic expectations about sexual relationships. I also believe it has some benefits when used in moderation.
When one partner is too tired for sex, it’s a legitimate sexual outlet for the other partner. And couples can use porn together as a great way to increase their arousal levels before focusing on each other.
However, some of the people I work with have been using porn as a relationship exit- a way to start to withdraw from your relationship through focusing your energies elsewhere.
It’s also clear that for many there is a strong physiological response to the viewing of porn. In fact, Norman Doige, author of The Brain That Changes Itself, believes that watching porn on a regular basis can lead to increased difficulty in being aroused by your own sexual partner and a lack of desire for real-world sex.
“Pornography,” writes Doidge, “satisfies every one of the prerequisites for neuroplastic change,” – that is, the brain’s ability to form new neural circuitry. The most important condition is the release of dopamine, the neurotransmitter that gives us a feeling of exciting pleasure, which porn triggers. The more often you watch porn and get the dopamine hit it delivers, the more the activity and the sensation become entwined in your brain.”
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So why am i choosing to wrte about porn in this newsletter? because I think its time to stop being so hush-hush about porn and start exploring your feelings on porn, the role it plays in your life and the role you want it playing in your relationship. It does a lot more damage not talking about it and keeping it hidden. It doesn’t have to be a really serious conversation, but it does, as always, need to be honest. Allow both your partner and yourself to have the feelings you have on it. Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised and hold the same views. Maybe you won’t. Either way having an honest conversation is a healthy supportive way to get on the same page.
