When you are trapped in the middle of an eating disorder, you become desperate for some glimpse of joy, some quick solution to all this pain or if nothing else to make your life feel like its within your control. Maybe it is a diet you try, or perhaps a new class, or maybe even a new “recovery” technique. It isn’t that I am necessarily against any of these things (well, diets maybe but only because most aren’t great at teaching you how to listen to your body), it’s more that the very thing you are running from is the very thing you need to sit with.
It is so hard to face yourself, to sit with yourself, to explore, get curious and find the answers within yourself. I can understand that. Looking inward is much scarier than following a plan that someone else outlined for you.
The thing that troubles me, however, is how many people will try anything and everything before they even consider looking inwards. And then when nothing works, they take that to mean that recovery, health, wellness isn’t possible for them. I know it is hard to do the work, and really invest, not just for the short term, but for the long term. Continuing to stare the ugly stuff in the face is really hard, and is exhausting. There will be lots of moments where you want to give up, or, better yet, find a new better “thing” that will make all of this better. It is okay to take a break. Truthfully, some days are just too much, and it is okay to not be able to face it every day. But switching to the next “thing” won’t get you closer to feeling okay.
So I am asking you to try. Try to look inwards. Try to see what feelings you have about things. Try to experience the feelings and not ignore them. Try to focus on what is really coming up for you, instead of focusing on the food as a distraction. Make the commitment to yourself, so you don’t have to keep making new commitments on a regular basis, only to feel like a failure when they don’t lead you to where you really want to be: happy.