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Is Your Relationship A War Zone?

I am back talking about Nate Bagley’s loveumentary again but this time about a different thing he addressed in his article. One of the pieces of advice he received from couples about conflict resolution was learning to fight without having to win.conflict help in relationships, fighting fairly, loving your partner

I must admit I can find this tricky sometimes if I am wrapped up in the moment and feeling pretty triggered, but if you think about it, fighting to win is like sending your relationship into combat zone without a weapon. One of you is going to come back injured and there are only so many injuries anyone can sustain before falling down. It is important to remember that your partner is on your team and the best resolution is the one where you both feel inspired to improve not where one is left defeated.

The thing about relationships is that we are going to fight. You can’t have two different people live together and share a life together and not ever disagree. It is healthy to be assertive in relationships and to set boundaries. It is toxic to be aggressive. . The main reason this happens is because we are dealing with vulnerable issues and we are afraid to get hurt. We start using whatever defenses we can find to protect ourselves (including name calling, silent treatment, accusing etc) without realizing that doing so prevents closeness – the very thing we need to feel connected and safe in our relationships.

So, as the saying goes, if you are going to fight then fight fair. Below are a few resources that may help you if you’re struggling to see your partner as your ally during disagreements. The last resource has a piece on religion in there. While I don’t come from a religious perspective on this 24/25 points apply to everyone.







{ 3 comments… add one }
  • lisa Freedman March 18, 2014, 12:49 am

    Hi kaela..good article,thanks. I could not agree more. My partner and I are going thru a very tough time with his mother.For the first time ever(in our 7 years together)i have started to be able to see a fight/tension/ miscommunication coming. So i initiate the tough talk about feelings and where we are both at..communication brings better understanding of each other . that was the last week or so…this week he is doing the same. Telling me how he is doing, so at really tough bits we can be more gentle with each other. It does not always work..but this stuff feels like a work in progress.Finding out what is really going on turns my irritation/anger into compassion .It is true, i do not care much about winning in these matters…i care about peace and keeping my relationship solid. this mindset took a long time to get here, and I still struggle..but it is better than it was.I just try to keep the end goal in mind..at the end of the day what do I really want?

    • kaela March 24, 2014, 5:41 pm

      Thanks so much for sharing Lisa, I always value your comments!

  • Dave Cohan December 3, 2014, 6:29 pm

    Hi Kaela…thanks for your share about relationship. It help me to create an article to my website..God Bless You

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